August 1st, 2017..... Ten Senses
Programmers, coders and even low-level data entry cogs at startups: PigPoodle, Spindooble, and up your ol' kazoodle are celebrating their latest, and final entry into the autonomous living movement. The prototypes of their Self-Thinking Brains are to be unveiled at the upcoming 'higher than thou' trade show later this summer in San Francisco.
Project coordinator Chip Chipenberg is projecting tremendous growth rates for the venture as corporations and individuals rally around the need to retain use of our own cybernetic systems before it's too late. Already Smart Phones, GPS technology, and the Autonomous Vehicle revolutions have delivered 99% of the typical neurological activity within the cranial sphere to corporate technology, and its ubiquitous propensity to control everything.
Even entrepreneur and visionary Elon Must has thrown caution to the winds, divesting his interests in space travel, alternative energy, and even his revolutionary Hyperlink high-speed highway to focus completely on the self-thinking brain. Must and his cohorts consider this to be the final frontier in the ever expanding digital empire, hopefully bringing the human race back to some semblance of sanity before we bow irreversibly to the almighty altar of the digital dollar.
According to Must and Chipenberg, the beauty in the software is its ability to program a voluminous digital catalogue of human mistakes made from DNA and behavioral paradigms going back 30,000 years. The data bank of mistakes is so large that the continent of Antarctica has been purchased from the natives for a mere 60 Guilders, or $24 in today's currency. Not only is the transaction considered a steal, but the sub-zero temperatures on Antarctica will ensure that the centillions of gigabytes storing human errors will be forever preserved, and made available to future generations...assuming the self-thinking brain is completed before the end of time.
In a joint statement (no pun intended) Must, Chipenberg and startups PigPoodle, Spindooble, and up your ol' kazoodle have made it clear that "no challenge is too great, no mountain too high and no sea too deep. Nothing, and nobody will impede our foray into this revolutionary enterprise." The self-thinking brain will recreate a pollution-free, just, and sane society, the likes of which we have never seen on this earth."
Critics have complained that these lunatics are simply playing God, and we should let things unravel on our own as the Lord has clearly intended. "What will happen to heaven and hell if life on earth is manipulated into a pain-free experience?... lamented a high ranking Bishop at the Vatican, who preferred to remain anonymous.
In any case folks, hold on to your heads because the transformation could begin anytime, perhaps during the solar eclipse this month when streaming this epic upgrade into our heretofore blunderous brains would be most likely to succeed. We very well might wake to a wondrous new reality one morning as the self-thinking brain will reign anew, casting to the winds the weaknesses and corrupting influences that have lead us to the precipice of planetary perdition!